


The Art of Amusement

by Halfmoon95



Series: Ladra Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-13 23:06:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2168685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halfmoon95/pseuds/Halfmoon95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a human entrepreneur on the Citadel creates an alien-friendly amusement park, it gives a new definition to "shore leave".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flyboys, Jarheads, and Bumper Shuttles

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a random idea I had that will be updated as inspiration strikes!

"Seriously, Cortez?  _This_ is how we're going to settle it?" Joker couldn't keep the incredulity out of his tone. Shuttle races he could handle, but Bumper Shuttles? At an amusement park? 

"Scared, Moreau?" 

"Can you blame me? It would be one thing if it was just the two of us, but throwing James into the mix just doesn't seem  _fair._ Come on, the guy crashes shuttles for a living."

"Hey, _pendejos_ , we going to stand here and talk or get in line?"

As far as shore leave went, Joker had to admit this was one of Shepard's better ideas. He didn't quite understand how setting them all loose on the Citadel's new amusement park was considered "group bonding", but he didn't much care either.

Bumper Shuttles was by far one of the more popular rides set up. The sign above the entrance listed the wait time at forty minutes. The three men leaned against the metal dividers herding people through the line, watching the little metal pods race around the track. They were ridiculously small -  _seriously, can James even fit in one of those? -_ and looked to handle worse than the damned Mako, but they had decent speed, childish racing stripes, and shielding that made ramming each other all but obsolete.

When it was finally their turn to take the track, Joker went straight for the little red racer he'd had his eye on, carefully folding himself onto the little metal bench. The steering wheel was worse than a child's toy and when he put his foot on the pedals he could touch his chin to his knees, but at least he wasn't James.

The big marine went for the biggest pod out there, a bright yellow number that looked suspiciously like a tank, but even then he had to contort himself into an  _impressive_ pretzel shape to get the door closed behind him.

Cortez had commandeered what was basically a miniature blue Kodiak, and what Joker had observed to be one of the fastest pods out there.

The siren blared, signaling the start of the match. Joker carved a path to the outer edge, making a slow loop while he got his bearings. The pod had a tendency to go left and the acceleration was weak.

James was his first target. Mohawk had already managed to take out the little turian boy who had been in line ahead of them, and he was hot on Cortez's trail, ready to ram Shuttle Guy into the wall.

Correcting course to intercept was little more than force of habit.  _Always try to help the little guy._ He cut across the center of the ring, passing so close to another pod that the salarian piloting it swerved and went careening into the wall.  _Oops._ He rammed into James with as much force as he could coax from the little pod, and they both went spinning in opposite directions. _  
_

After wrestling back his control, he scanned the room for James only to be sent flying again by a laughing Cortez. The pod made a sickening crunch as it smacked into the wall and Joker wondered briefly if Bumper Shuttles had been such a good idea after all for the guy with brittle bones.

_Shepard will never let me leave the ship again if I kill myself on shore leave._

Someone crashed into him from behind, a little asari girl who Joker wouldn't even have let pilot a chair with wheels, and he only caught a brief look at Cortez and James charging each other head first.

His foot found the gas pedal and he pressed it to the floor, not about to let a flyboy and a jarhead put him out of commission in a  _children's game_ , but the pod didn't move.

"What the hell?"

The game wasn't over, everyone else's pods were still moving, but his had gone completely dark, powered down.

"Oh come on!"

_"Dios!"_  

The other  _Normandy_ crew members were shouting as well. Joker looked up and saw that, sure enough, their pods had shut down too.

"You've gotta be kidding me," he muttered, rubbing his beard in agitation. And then he saw her. He would've recognized her metal figure and black jumpsuit anywhere.  _"EDI?"_

"Yes, Jeff?" Her pod, for some reason bright pink with a rainbow painted on the side, pulled up alongside his.

"You wouldn't have had anything to do with this, would you?"

She looked at him critically, and he was struck by how strange it was to see amusement on the AI's face. "It appears your shuttle is malfunctioning."

"Yeah, no, I got that part." He glared at her. "Hacking the game is  _cheating_ , EDI."

"Even if I had sabotaged the shuttle, I would not have done so merely for the purpose of winning a game." She smiled. "I believe I am more than capable of completing that task without the use of hacking."

"Then why?"

"You were scaring the children."

For the first time, Joker looked around and took in his surroundings, counting the number of shuttles the three of them had sent ramming into the walls. "We might have gotten a little carried away."

"That is an understatement."

The remaining pods all crawled to a stop and the siren blared again. Game over.

Joker sighed as he shoved open the metal door, stretching out his legs with relief. "You could have at least let me take down Cortez."

"I wished to do the honors myself."

He raised his eyebrows.

"That was a joke."

"Right."


	2. The Shoot Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zaeed and Jack have a friendly competition.

"You sure you want to play this game, sweetheart?"

"Damn straight." Jack led the way, marching them in a serpentine pattern through the throngs of the crowd. The booth she was aiming for wasn't very crowded, a traditional carnival game consisting of five mounted pistols that only shot lasers and several rows of moving targets. "How much to play?" she snapped at the batarian behind the counter.

He eyed them warily, eyes lingering on her ink and Zaeed's messed up face. "Ten credits per person."

Jack slapped twenty on the counter and stepped up to one of the pistols.

"What the hell is this?" Zaeed grumbled, poking the weapon critically. "This isn't a pistol, it's a goddammed squirt gun."

"Aw, what's a matter, Gramps?" Jack crooned mockingly. "Can't handle the big guns."

He glared at her. "Let's say we make this a little more interesting, sweetheart." He pulled out his Carnifex, running one gloved finger along its barrel. "How about we use our own weapons?"

"No way." Jack shook her head. "My Kitana doesn't have the range for this."

"Who said anything about shotguns?" A lazy grin pulled across his face. "I'll use my gun. You use your biotics."

_Biotics._ Jack looked at the booth again.  _I could take 'em down easily with throw._ "Alright. You're on."

"I can't authorize-"

Zaeed cut the batarian off by slapping a credit chit on the counter. "Five hundred creds and the promise that I won't shove my shot gun up your ass says you look the other way."

"I'll just go check on the other booth."

Jack barked out a laugh. "Smooth."

"Just start the game, kid."

Obligingly, Jack punched the button on the start console, watching through narrowed eyes as the rows of cartoon Reapers began to zig zag across her field of vision on metal poles. Her first target, she decided, would be the disturbingly friendly-looking Cannibal Zaeed was lining up a shot for. She wiggled her fingers, watching the biotics flicker on, before lobbing a softball sized ball of energy. The Cannibal lost its head.

Zaeed was quick to retaliate, taking down four of the cardboard husks in quick succession.

_Old man's fast._ Jack picked up her pace, keeping one eye on the scoreboard next to them. She took down two banshees with one shot, giving her a twenty point lead.

The clock above their heads continued to countdown, and she noted with dismay that there were only thirty seconds left and she was fifteen points behind. She was  _not_ going to let this fucker win.

Her shockwave took down the back row of targets, as well as the back wall of the booth and several plush volus.  

"Fuck!" Zaeed cursed. "Did you really just-"

"I used my biotics, Gramps. Just like you told me to."

Zaeed opened his mouth to argue but was cut off by the shout of a security guard coming there way.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Jack sized the guy up. He had black, heavy armor and what looked to be a sizable assault rifle strapped to his back.

"Just playing the game. Is there a problem?" Jack replied tersely. 

"You completely destroyed the game!" The guy glared at them. "You going to pay for it?"

Zaeed laughed. "Fuck off, shortie. Don't you know who we are?"

"I don't care who you are!"

"You're looking at crew members of the  _SSV Normandy_ , handpicked by Commander Shepard herself."

To punctuate Zaeed's words, Jack saluted the guy. With her middle finger.

The man paled considerably. "I, uh, I didn't realize-"

"Shut up and get out of here before I rip your balls off and sell them to a krogan," Jack snapped.

"Of-of course! Enjoy your stay!"

The two of them leaned against the counter, watching the guy run off. When she caught Zaeed's eye they both bust out laughing.

"Oh shit, did you see his  _face?"_ Zaeed roared, tears trickling out of his one good eye. "I thought he was going to piss himself."

"Probably did," Jack agreed. "Just the icing on the cake, after kicking your ass."

"No, sweetheart, you  _cheated,_ and you owe me a drink for it."

She grinned. "Alright, one drink. And then we'll see if you can beat me in ring toss."

 


	3. The Edible Cloud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali and the joys of human cuisine.

"That is  _not_ food."

"No, really it is, it's really popular back on Earth."

"It's a  _cloud,_ Traynor. You're eating clouds." Tali shook her head. "Humans."

"Tali, it's not a cloud." The comm specialist's tone was exasperated. "It's called cotton candy. Carnival food."

Tali watched the man at the booth with narrowed eyes. "Keelah, how can he make that fluff from powder?"

"Well you see it's-" Traynor paused. "Honestly, I'm not really quite sure. I've never really thought about it."

"Humans!" Tali exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "You'll eat anything!  _Anything!"_

Sam rolled her eyes. "Will you at least try it, Tali? Look, they even have dextro friendly mixes."

"I am  _not_ going to-"

"Please, Tali?"

"No."

Traynor seemed to deflate at her response, her shoulders slumped and her face fell. "Fine."

 _Not this again._ "Traynor, I won't fall for - for those - damn it, what's the saying- those hamster eyes!"

Now the girl just looked confused. "Hamster eyes, Tali?" Then she laughed, catching on. "No, no, it's  _puppy dog_ eyes."

Tali waved the comment away. "I won't fall for those either. Besides, I wouldn't even be able to eat it through the suit.." She trailed off. Keelah, but Traynor was doing it again, that  _thing_ with her lip and her eyes, pouting. Finally relenting, Tali muttered, "Maybe I can fit some through the slot."

Samantha clapped her hands in excitement. "I knew you'd come around!" Running to the counter, she handed her credit chit to the man. "One levo and one dextro, please." He handed her two bags, one filled with pink and the other with blue. "This one's yours." 

Tali took the bag gingerly, peering at the blue fluff inside. "How do you eat this?"

"Just tear off a piece." Traynor demonstrated, ripping off a strip of the pink candy and popping it into her mouth. "Oh, this is  _amazing._ I never thought I'd have this again once I left earth."

Tali had her doubts, but she swallowed the snide comment, reaching carefully into the bag and pulling a piece free. Sliding open the slot on her helmet, she popped the cotton candy into her mouth, quickly sealing her suit again. It was puzzling. She couldn't really  _chew_ it - it had already dissolved in her mouth - and it was sickly sweet, but the food was light and airy and just more  _fun_ than other foods. "This is ... interesting."

Traynor frowned. "You hate it, don't you."

"Actually..." Tali pulled off another piece. "I like it. I like it a lot."

Traynor's grin was infectious. "I  _told_ you it was good!"

"Yeah, yeah." Tali laughed. "But I'll probably have a cold for a week from this."

"If that happens I'll make you dextro chicken soup."

"Another human delicacy?"

"Ha! No. And I'm sure the quarians have some sort of equivalent."

"What makes you say that?"

Traynor's expression turned serious. " _Everything_ tastes like chicken."


	4. A Test of Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara can't seem to beat the strength test.

_Focus. Breathe. You can do this._

Liara picked up the weapon, testing its weight, trying to get a feel for it. 

_You are serving with Commander Shepard. You discovered a Prothean super weapon. You are a master of biotics._

She glared at her target, increasingly aware that all eyes were on her.

_You're the_ Shadow Broker,  _one quarter krogan._   _You can do this._

Taking a deep breath, she hefted the mallet into the air and swung with all her might. She looked up eagerly, watching the meter climb.

"Pyjak!" The machine called out.

"Oh,  _damn it!"_  

The batarian in charge of the game chuckled. "You gonna try again?"

Shooting him a look, she reached into her pocket to check how many credits she had left. It cost ten to try the strength test, and seventy credits after starting, Liara still hadn't managed to make it past the first level. Pyjak. Now she only had ten left and she'd be damned if she was going to let this stupid game defeat her.  _  
_

_"Be the bigger person,"_ a small voice in the back of her mind whispered.  _"Just walk away now and don't look back."_  

"Liara."

The poor asari nearly jumped out of her skin. One would think she'd be used to Grunt sneaking up on her, but the rumbling voice still startled her.

"Grunt. What can I do for you?"

He nodded his head at the strength test. "Problems?"

She shrugged. "You could say that. Apparently, I'm not very strong."

He frowned. "Your biotics are strong."

"Yes, but my biotics aren't going to win me that necklace." She looked at the prize table where a silver necklace with a glittering cobalt stone rested. The coloring was identical to Thessia's skies on a clear day. 

"You want that?"

"I thought it was pretty, but it's really not a big deal."

The young krogan ignored her, pulling out ten credits and setting them on the table. 

"Ring the bell, win a prize," the batarian said, handing him the mallet.

"Heh heh." With what could only be described as a battle cry, Grunt swung the mallet through the air and brought it down on top of the spring. The marker hit the bell with a high pitched metallic clang.

"Spectre!" The machine declared.

Grunt returned to Liara a bit sheepishly, the necklace looking even more delicate clutched in his massive hand. 'Here," he said gruffly, thrusting the gift at her. 

She took it, a small smile spreading across her face. "Thank you, Grunt. I don't know what to say."

"If you want..." He scratched the top of his head, a faint blush coloring his scaly cheeks. "I could win you some other stuff."

Stretching onto her tiptoes, Liara pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I'd like that."


	5. Hills and Valleys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Garrus shenanigans. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who has been following this story, I apologize for the delay in posting. This thing called college is just around the corner for me (freshman year, woot woot!) and life sort of exploded with preparations for it. I have just about everything taken care of now, and hopefully I'll be able to post with more frequency. However, I also am running out of ideas for this story, so I believe this will be the final chapter. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> PS: If you're looking for more stuff to read from me, I just recently discovered Dragon Age II and have been trying my hand at some fic for that as well. Pardon my hideous sales pitch for my writing. :)

Shepard watched her friends dividing up into groups, making sure everyone had a partner before turning them loose. Garrus stood next to her, the tip of one talon tracing little patterns across the back of her hand.

"So," he drawled after the majority of the squad had disappeared. "Where do you want to go?"

Warm shivers ran down her spine at his proximity. "Back to the  _Normandy?"_

His answering chuckle was warm and throaty and gave her immense satisfaction. "EDI would tell on us. C'mon, Shepard, this whole thing was your idea. You must've had something in mind."

Truthfully, when one of the human diplomat's assistants had came to her with as many free passes to the new amusement park as she'd wanted, her first instinct had been to write the whole thing off. They were preparing for  _galactic war_ , there was no time to spare for acting like children on the Citadel. But when she'd taken time to really consider it, to listen to crew members discuss the families that may or may not be alive, to see the bruise-like half circles beneath the eyes of faces worn gaunt with stress, she'd asked for as many passes as the man was willing to spare, as well as permission for her crew to line jump whenever they saw fit.

She hadn't given a second thought to what  _she_ would do with her shore leave.

"Shepard?" Garrus rapped his knuckles on top of her head. "You in there?"

"Yeah, just thinking." She looked at her turian, his dark blue markings and scarred mandible and piercing eyes that saw everything. "What do  _you_ want to do, Garrus?"

He shook his head, stroking her hair once before dropping his hand to her shoulder. "Sorry, Commander. Today is for you. Anything you want." She felt his warm breath on her ear when he lowered his head to murmur, "And that's an order."

She looked around the area, noting the different rides and attractions available to them before her eyes finally settled on one thing. "That." She pointed to it for emphasis.

The roller coaster was huge, and fast, and full of massive hills and gut wrenching loops and corkscrews.

" _That?"_ His mandibles flicked. "What  _is_ that thing?"

"It's a roller coaster," she said with a laugh, already twining their fingers together so she could tug him along. "I'm going to make you regret every Mako joke you ever made, Vakarian."

He planted his feet, effectively halting them. "Shepard, we are not getting on that thing. Look at it! It's- it's a death trap. A screeching metal death trap."

"That's kind of the point, Garrus," she replied with a roll of her eyes. "And if the Reapers couldn't take us down, I'm pretty sure the roller coaster won't be able to manage it either." She dragged an extremely reluctant Garrus to the sign marking the start of the line. The ride was called  _Screamer._ "See? Look at all the safety regulations. It's safe as houses."

"That saying doesn't even make any sense," he muttered.

"Please, Garrus?" She stuck out her bottom lip, pouting. He  _hated_ when she tried to pout.

"Shepard, no."

" _Please?"_

"No."

"Gar-bear, please?" She practically cooed the pet name she'd given him, drawing out the last word in a plea.

He glared at her. "I told you not to call me that."

"Go on the ride with me and I won't anymore."

They had an impressive stare down. Shepard held onto his forearm and he looked intently at a spot on her forehead and neither of them dared move for fear of losing the argument.

Finally, Garrus threw up his hands. "Fine. Fine, just fine. We'll go on the damn ride. But when we die on this thing, and your grave reads, 'Commander Shepard, died because her boyfriend couldn't say no', remember I'm blaming you for this."

Ignoring him, they battle-field-marched to the front of the line and the attendant was so excited to see them that he gave them the front seat, immediately charmed by the brilliant Hero of the Citadel.

Shepard watched Garrus as he tugged on his harness experimentally, stifling a laugh at how agitated he was. "Relax, Garrus, you're fine."

"Who did they design these seats for, salarians?" 

She reached out and took his hand, rubbing the pad of her thumb against his gloved talon. "Relax."

The ride started to move and she felt him tense. She kept her gaze carefully fixed on the top of the hill they were climbing, anticipation building in the pit of her stomach as the metal cart crawled. When they reached the crest she sucked in a breath. For one impossibly long moment they were sitting on top of the world. Other park goers milled about like ants. The sky was a brilliant blue, so different from the armor she was so used to seeing, and the breeze was cool and gentle on her flushed cheeks. She turned her head, wanting to see how Garrus was reacting.

And the ride shot forward.

They raced forward at an impossible speed,  _so much better_ than the rides back on Earth, and she let loose an excited laugh that could only be described as a cackle. Garrus looked at her like she was insane but she didn't care. They hit the first loop and she screamed, not the scream of a soldier on the battlefield but of an excited child who had just been tossed into the air by her parents. Her stomach twisted into nauseating knots when they hit the corkscrew and Garrus clutched her hand in a viselike grip and they jerked violently in their harnesses when the ride banked sharply to the left.

But they were losing speed quickly and just like that they screeched to a stop, the harnesses unlatching with a hiss.

Shepard climbed out of the cart on legs that had turned to jelly, reaching out a hand to steady Garrus.

"Well? How was that?" she asked him with a grin.

"That was..." He shook his head, dazed. "That was something."

Laughing, she took his arm and led him away from the ride, blinking when they stepped out into the sunlight. He left to go to the restroom, probably to throw up, and she walked over to the display that was set up, each screen showing different sets of pictures from the roller coaster. When she saw their's she laughed so hard she almost cried, and then she fished her credit chit out of her pocket and bought a copy. She was still looking at it when Garrus wrapped his arms around her from behind.

"So is that really how humans get their fix on Earth?" He nuzzled her neck and she was struck by how positively  _catlike_ her turian could be.

"Well, that's one way. We also jump out of airplanes."

"What's an airplane?"

"I'll explain that one later." She turned around in the circle of his arms and kissed him lightly, grinning at the contented sound he made.

"You want to get out of here?" he whispered, touching his brow to hers. 

"What about EDI?" 

"Never said we had to go back to the ship," he replied, mandibles flicking into a devious smile. 

Holding hands tightly, the two of them slipped away from the amusement park, headed for her apartment on the Strip. And in that moment, they weren't leaders of armies and war heroes, they weren't expert Reaper advisors or snipers. 

They were just two people in love.


End file.
